2002 Pre-Season - Monash Colts vs Monash Vikings

Author: James Bernard

After Johnny’s infamous Sex and Soccer match report last year, it is about time the Colts, having the more interaction with the opposite sex and a soccer ball, that we share our views on sex and soccer.

After my debut with the reserves a day earlier and a pre-match drumming from Alex for talking about SEX and not soccer 15 minutes before kickoff, it led to the question is there time for both SEX and SOCCER? Alex later went on to curse these female ‘Larts’ (that is the actual word he used), that have forever cursed some of his gifted players. Peter Hodkinson was the main victim, with HARD NUTS Johnny Jhoomun also on his list.

Peter Pana also added his two cents when he mentioned that ALL the reserve players had girlfriends, however the more intelligent Colts know, that is a big mistake and NEVER commit to a girl, as Soccer and Girls are quite the same, you must play defensively jockey the player(s) but never commit, hold up the play, as you are still in amongst the action that way!

Michael Jhoomun is a firm believer in the diagonal balls (and hold this more sacredly than ANYthing else), I don’t know how that is relevant to sex and soccer but I just feel it is worth a mention.

After the 7-1 win with the reserves (the biggest win I have played in, EVER) Alex told us how disappointed he was, that the scoreline wasn’t bigger, so to try and forget the pain, Chris, Kaveh and I went to the Hawthorn to drown our sorrows. There we saw Jamie Verderosa chasing a pink shirted No. 9. She got away from him and was seen one-on-one with one of his team mates, and Jamie was crying ‘OFFSIDE!!!’. After that Jamie demanded to get past her and hopefully find the net on pitch two, but when he couldn’t instead followed No. 9 to the Glenferrie where the again more SMARTER Colts went down Chapel St to pick up the Colts Goalkeeper Adam after HIS big night out.

Often players commitment to soccer is questioned, whether they attended training, whether they were training hard enough, whether they go out drinking before games, or whether they chose SEX or SOCCER. The pre match events of today’s derby match will show JUST HOW committed to soccer I am. After doing two chapel laps I saw a car stuck in the middle of the road trying to turn, so I gave way and let it in. There was five girls in the car and they played for the other team. After some brief FLASHES and TEAM BONDING, the girls continually passed the ball back to us in gratitude for us letting them in, we followed them all the way to Cue Bar, where we had the choice, 4 guys onto 5 girls who want to pay us back, or a grudge match Colts VS The Vikings….. SEX OR SOCCER?!

This was quite a dilemma and not one easily decided, however the voting was 3-1 SEX OVER SOCCER, however I was driving and I chose the later (SOCCER), and Adam and Kaveh are still not speaking to me. Kaveh said if I had to chose, to have sex with them 5 girls or never play soccer again, I don’t ever want to play soccer again. I said sorry Kaveh but the lack of hair on your head has really affected your brain, I COULD NEVER CHOOSE SEX OVER SOCCER! (Being young and optimistic the opportunity for a five some will definitely come up again, PLEASE GOD!).

So after the commitment shown off the pitch prior to the game, the game Colts VS Vikings promised to be a good one.

Before the game had even started the Colts lost some key players. Josh Melican was head hunted by Kenny Kanagalinggam and hence scored for the Halls rather than the Colts! Nivan who was due to make his Colts debut decided the spot on the Vikings bench was more appealing, as did Reserve Skipper Simon Serebryanikov. On top of all that Jamie Verderosa was still missing from the night before indicating he must have scored in the wrong net, perhaps proving the question a player cannot commit to SEX and SOCCER.

News prior to kick off however soon lifted the Colts, when Simon who had a Vikings shirt on threw it on the ground AND stamped on it to take the more attractive Colts shirt. The Golden Boy Anisha Methanandra also returned to the Colts after his week off through injury. Ian Sheo who I predicted to be one of the best Colt new comers was also available.

So after a week of coaching the Colts and a game with the reserves, I now had the confidence to pick this weeks team, as Bob West handed his cones over to me.

In goals was my younger more athletic brother Adam who despite being a great runner still needs to improve on his soccer skills.

At the back was Ian Sheo sweeping, Chris ‘I have a girlfriend, hence lets go home’ Roche, and Ara ‘I’m sick of driving Ms. Methanandra’ Sarravaramuttu man marking. Garth ‘My last name is actually Peko Poko’ McLaughlan and Myself playing as wing backs. In the middle of the park was Kaveh ‘Not Karveh or Karer or Carver’ Zegrati who’s new Veron style hair cut ensured he got NO ACTION last night, in front of him was the golden boy with Kenneth ‘I want six goals today’ Tang on the left and Simon ‘I am now a hard nut’ Serebryanikov (in reference to me shooting the ball into his face, which led to him spitting blood FROM THE MOUTH, reference for JOHNNY!) on the right. Up front was newcomer Johnny Phung who prefers overheads and bicycle kicks over passing the ball. On the bench were the two late comers Sahm ‘I can tackle better than Pana, and that was all ball’ Khojasteh, and Mega ‘Superstar, Kanu, Lizarazu, Colts LEGEND, and Train delayed’ Kularatne.

The game started with a Colts kick off and a Serebryanikov goal. It was not as classy as Mara’s crossed goal for the firsts yesterday simply because ex-Viking coach Steve was in goal, however the ball from the touchline around 22 yards out just drifted in to the far post, giving Simon two goals, in two games, in two days and the Colts a 1-0 lead.

Playing in the new Menace formation players who were not marking allowed a lot of Vikings counter attacks but the Colts continued attacking and won a corner for their efforts. By this time I had subbed Mega on for myself taking Michael Jhoomun’s philosophy a good coach should not play, and gave him the ok to get up for the corner. I indicated to Sahm that he would be coming on for Kaveh as he was not marking up in the midfield and was getting too far forward. However as Martin Tyler has suggested to me many of times, you should never make substitutions during dead ball situation, so I allowed Kaveh to stay on for the corner. Having said that the ball spilled from the cross straight to him, and he hit the opposite of a rocket of a shot that took a touch from Steve before sinking into the back of the net. 2-0 to the Colts and Kaveh was subbed off!

After a grouling first half with the main highlights coming from Garth and Simon on the right the Vikings managed to crawl a goal back, after a mix up on the right and Adam raving (dancing, for all you older readers) in circles around Braydon (excuse the spelling), who went on to score. 2-1 and the now sweeping Colts Captain was FURIOUS!

Half time and subs were made. The Menace formation was scrapped as it was a far too superior a concept for mere mortals, and the English/Bob West 4-4-2 was reinstated. Garth came off for Kaveh, Anisha subbed with the referee and Ian came back on at right back.

The first fifteen minutes of that second half was better than Shakespeare with a soccer ball, better than Korea finishing fourth in the World Cup and almost better than SEX! Simon was causing havoc again and was linking up well with Johnny, who created the next Colts goal. After dribbling to the touchline he crossed a great ball back to Ken Tang who scored his first ever goal for the Colts. 3-1 and the Colts were playing the best football of their season.

Having said that, now is a good time to switch off, because it was after this that all the training (THAT I HAD TAKEN THIS WEEK, MIND YOU) was thrown out the door. Passing to feet was rare, man marking was non existent and defending as Alex would say was SHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! A break down the left from Nivan caught Chris out firing a shot into Adam who parried the ball to an UNMARKED Steve for an easy tap in 3-2 Vikings comeback was on. Constant pressure from the Vikings was rewarded when a cross from always dangerous Cameron Huymen was met by Evil ‘Nice boot James’ Eddy who was involved in a scuffle with the Colts Captain moments earlier, who now shoved a goal straight in his face. 3-3 and the Colts for the first time EVER allowed a lead to slip.

The refereeing from golden boy was atrocious and I apologise for all obscenities I may have rendered him. Bob West was also forced to bring Simon ‘The Big Bad Bully’ Serebryanikov off after a hideous challenge on Viking God Leigh. The dieing moments saw Ara and Kenneth both miss open goals keeping the game level, and despite protests to determine the game on a penalty shoot out, I saw Eddy shaking at the thought of deciding another Monash Derby from the spot and called the game a draw.

Conclusion a great game from both sides in patches, but I would hope for better. On the Sex and Soccer Saga, that will be a now constant Monash query, every time a player is late to a game or doesn’t show up (Jamie) we will always question was it because of Sex?

Until next week when the Colts face unbeaten top of the ladder Sandringham OBGS, I will see you all at training.