Author: John Jhoomun
Greetings sports aficionados
People have wondered about how long it takes for me to write my reports. The answer is about the time It takes for Al to sober up before a game. Hours and Hours......... With Melbourne hosting Fashion week in the week just gone, a group of motley individuals arrived at a suburban ground ready to strut. Tracksuits adorned some, but with Luke Davis sporting a new sweater and Stefan wearing a stupid hat, the lads were keen to show that ' passion is always in fashion'. Monash were ready to show some passion after last weeks abysmal effort against the Greeks of Braeside losing 1-0 at home.....
Coach De La Torre rung the changes during the week and in a surprising move put the enigmatic and moody Johnny Jhoomun in goal, dropping himself in the process. Johnny has played in every position during his time at Monash and was keen though he may have not shown it. With an intensity honed after numerous dressing room clashes mostly with himself and with left midfield now a distant dream Johnny was a perplexing figure ditching his usual pre-match ritual and clothing attire., subject of much attention last week.
Wearing his Green Irish jersey against The Mauritius of Endeavour Hills, Johnny was caught between the land of his mother - his birthplace and the land of his father Mauritius. Remembering that Tomorrow is Mothers Day, Johnny sided with his mum, and looked resplendent in his green Irish jersey. With team mates warming up in the controversial Celtic ' sectarian strip' the Monash team looked good, colour co-ordinating with green and white and not a legging to be seen on the keeper. Hoping to avoid racial violence from the Mauritius, who chanted ' mummy’s boy' at me only for Matt to say ' no, I’m 18' Monash changed strips into their more familiar blue strip and i looked like a nationalistic freak.
The back 4 was the usual with Peter Pana and big Al in the centre, smelling like a brewery. At left back was Mt eliza's finest in David Moody and on the right was the best dressed accountant, Mr Luke Davis. In the midfield was Dr. David Downes ready to avenge the embarrassing news that filtered from his homeland earlier in the week. It emerged that The New Zealand Army, trying to cut costs, eliminated bullets from practice manoeuvres and told its officers to shout ' bang, bang' when firing. Some would say that this is similar to Stefan because he always fires blanks but David was keen to perform after what I feel was an average game last week.
Partnering the Dr was another man of higher learning Tuan Le. Tuan has been playing in the ones off the bench and started in the middle with us where he famously told Bob West last year ' that’s where I belong'....I can think of another place ................With Tuan's engine purring he was keen. On the left was Sergio Lllopart, a man who shampoos with finesse and always conditions. I know this because I asked him after the game...At right mid was Matt Mumme who missed last week with a sickness of some sort, though I think it was a stress related affliction as a result of him watching 'Fawlty Towers the Story of White Hart lane' the night before which highlighted Tottenhams lack of heart and poor defence. I mean they had Manuel sweeping.
Upfront was Simon and Peter' Shot Clock' Kandyliotis. Peter is a centre forward with some skill but he never passes back to me. He has a contract with Alex where he is allowed to hold onto the ball for at least 10 seconds before he passes and then only to everyone but John. I swear...
On the bench were Timmy, Mickey Kral and the fittest player at Monash. You all know who i am talking about... Yes, Stefan. Stef had a friend on the pitch, the endeavour hills number 10 who showed surprising speed for a big fella. He had skill too like Stef but unlike Stef was actually on the field...
The game started brightly and within 10 minutes we were 4 up. I don't know who scored and don't really care because I was doing doggies between the goal line and six yard box to keep myself entertained . It was over as a contest by the 10-minute mark with Peter, Simon, Serge, Dave and Tuan on fire. At the 12 minute mark the ball came near me but one of the defenders rather selfishly cleared the danger. When Endeavour Hills actually put a attack of note together the eccentric Johnny took the ball cleanly and swearing loudly kicked it to Matt who dribbled like Glen Hoddle at a clairvoyant and set up Serg, I think to score. With My first touch we scored, whoopee!!!
See I did make a contribution.....I also made a save from six yards out after our defence was breached and I thought about running out but changed my mind. Using my right foot I made a reaction save that would have made Messner proud. After we lost the plot for a few minutes I lightened up, thinking I might actually touch the ball more than Stefan. In truth we were all over them like Luke Davis in a tax audit with the same finesse. At the half I professed loudly if we got a penalty that I would take it and everyone it seemed agreed. Such unity, such teammanship...
The second half was a bit of a fizzer. David Downes scored another goal, this time with his head and Simon scored a curler after Tim set him up. We made a few subs but in all honesty we should have just reduced our players on the field so it was say 9 plays the 11 of Endeavour Hills. I touched the ball with my hand twice in the second half and I was bored shitless. When the ref gave A PENALTY for something far away from my fortress I sprinted to take it. With visions of Left foot glory and a celebration to match which involved taking off my gloves and asking Simon to polish my boot I sprinted. However Tuan Le did not read the script and the ' Rolls Royce' decided to to stake his claim. With Pana off the pitch someone else might actually get to hit a free kick but alas it wasn’t to be me. With Pana on the sidelines, who would the mantle pass to? In honour of Pana it automatically went to the slowest player on the pitch. It would have been Stefan but with Tuan being a first 'teamer' he got preference and decided to show us how to take a penalty. After measuring out his run-up he shot wide. That is the last penalty you will ever take Tuan. I mean we were 6 up would it have killed you to have given it to me. It is not often Monash are in a position where the keeper could possibly score I can only recall Steve Harvey doing it in the last 5 years at Monash. Even Stefan was aghast because now he had to run back into position.
The ball went up my end a couple of times and I tried to drop kick, only I stuffed my foot. At the end of the game it was a flat feeling, yeah we had won but the opposition were not much. This was a great display by Monash but we should have scored 15 and maybe then I would have smiled. However as I write this at 8.15pm on satdee nite I will be smiling when arsenal win 3-2 against the Pool (Liverpool). Watch out for:
1. Luke's new sweater
2. Stefan making a fool of himself
3. Me telling everyone about it....
4. Stefan whacking me real hard and
5. Simon talking about how 'he wants to be in goal next week so to shut me up'
Game stats: Goals - there were 7 of them - Peter K - 2, David D - 2, Simon - 1, Serg – 1, Matt – 1, I think.
Saves by john Jhoomun- 2 saves, 1 throw out to Dave M, 5 goal kicks, no punches, 1 left foot back pass that hit Dave M in the arse, 1 wall set up, 3 good catches in the air and the rest of the time wondering about life and love.
I realise that this is an extremely self indulgent piece of journalism...You stand still for 90 minutes and watch the ball not come near you... Great game guys.